After All

I dont know where to start.

It has only been weeks, but it felt like months. I swear, you`re the hardest one to get rid of. For so many nights I held myself, thinking I have to be strong for you. Keep telling myself I can`t cry over you for I want no sin upon you.

I get busier day by day, yet you were still there. Dishes, chores, ironing, sweeping, mopping, dust, cleanliness, tidiness, cooking class, social clubs, movies in the weekend, charity, social services, blogging, trip advising, you name it ! All I do to get rid of you.

I pray to Him, so that I can forget this feeling I have for you. But I don`t want to forget who you were and are to me. I am sorry for wasting your time, your sleepless nights, your energy, your wait upon my call, your passion, your guard. But I am never sorry for my actions or for what I`ve told you neither am I scared for what you know of me. It is an honour to have you who became the stranger with half of my heart and half of my secrets, after all. The stranger I never picture to be someone, to me, so severe. I am sorry for the future gawky moments we will have when we meet again one day that I`ve cost both you and I. However, I am not (or will never be) sorry for my feelings at all, I am only sorry for we`ve lost the one and only thing we`ve been holding on to : friendship.

One said I was crazy for trading in what I feel with friendship. But what I did was for my own good. Not to mention, yours too. I don`t want to use our friendship as the rope I grip on to, just to get to you. It`s pathetic. I want no more of that. Because if we were still "friends", I would never stop having high expectations on you. Now, I don`t know what we are? But at least, I`ve got everything off my shoulders.

One said I was absurd for taking risks. But what is life not knowing who I am to you? I needed to know. Moreover, I have visualised myself in the future that I will, eventually, unwillingly, know. Might as well fasten my seat belt, break the speed limit and jump through the wait.

I had my best guard at night, before bed. Ablution, prayers, surahs before bed. All to avoid from dreaming of you. Not only you, to avoid from dreaming of anything at all. But you, you just keep coming back. Even at times when I don`t even think of you before I shut my eyes. I love to question why, but it's not explainable. Inevitable too, I agree. Most probably because The All Knowing, knows best.

After all that you`ve treated me, after all the roller coaster rides we had together, after all the faith and love you've showered me with, after all the hopes, after all the heart aches, after all, after all. I still smile when people ask me of you. I still get excited, and thrilled to talk about you. 

After all , I still pray for you. I`ve decided, now that the truth has prevailed and you already know, for who / what ever you choose, may it be the best choice for you. The best there ever is.  

Because I dare not to say anything about love for I know nothing of it. I might as well admit that I`m confused whether or not am I in love, or I just care too much. But I`ve learnt that if I were to care about someone so much, the most important thing I should be thinking of, is their happiness. That`s why, it`s all up to you now. I`ve also learnt that if its meant to be, it will be and it will stay. Otherwise, The Almighty, knows best. Take care, future king.

May Allah swt bless you, May He give me the strength to pull through, May happiness be in our way throughout our journey in life. Allahumma Amin.