Super Far

So 4.16am it is. Dark, night lights, Lany's BRB/Kiss and an overwhelmingly disgusting feel of jealousy takes over me. I don't even have the right to feel jealous, he's not even mine.

Truthfully, I'm so scared of this feeling because it's only getting stronger. The more I try to ignore it, the more powerful it gets. It's starting to annoy me. And all i want to do is to detach, disconnect, disappear, go silent for 3 months utmost, disappear, disappear, disappear.

LA, New York.

Coffee, anxiety and the tree.

Who cares, who knows?

Sit dancing on the bed, full blast music, drown in the beat of the songs, i sank and i am gone.

"Waking up to nothing when you're super far from home

And I watch you fall asleep at night and lay there on my own
Got me begging for affection
All you do is roll your eyes
Broken down, I've had enough
If this is love I don't want it

All my friends keep saying that I'm way too good to you
But my heart is so invested, I don't wanna face the truth
I'm not happy and you know it and you still don't even try
Broken down, I've had enough
If this is love I don't want it"

I wanna be distracted, I want to be occupied, I want to be driven. I wanna run. 

I don't even know how it all started, I wish I don't feel anything at all for him in this particular scene of my episode of being a 22 year old. 

Goddammit, I am so in love yet in so much shit. In so much trouble. I just hope I'll be okay. I'm gonna be okay, right? 

"I need to fill my days with stupid shit to keep me busy." 

So I am distracted. Argh dammit here we go again oh ffs. 

It's that same damned cycle I wish I don't put myself in. Why the hell do I do this to myself? And what's worrying about this whole thing is that I've firmly decided that he shall know after one entire year. One year? If a lot can happen in one month, let alone one year. I'm letting go of him is what I'm doing. Him knowing one year later, is like... he might as well not know. 

The goddamn risks I'm taking for myself is insane for the amount of pain I have to take in. It's killing me slowly, but sure I'll sacrifice just so I can keep him still. I'm stuck in between "What's meant to be, will be" and actually working for what I want. 

Tbrh, I'd like to put the blame on him. It's not my fault I fell for him. Siapa suruh dia jadi someone so attractive in so many ways? Siapa suruh dia tick all my boxes? 

Nope, not my fault lah for sure!

Also, I've always been so worried about being boring. About not living life to the fullest, about not doing the craziest things while I can so I can remember these things when I'm older. But hey look what Lana Del Rey tweeted:

So I'm less worried now. I mean, I will always know what comes next, kan?

And I end this post at 5.10am. 

And I oop -!