First Move

I recently had a long chat with my friend who similarly, thinks that we are the ones who have been starting conversations with other people rather than the other way around. It makes me think, what's wrong with that? I think we've reached that point of where we feel like we are the only ones who are making the effort, and not everyone else.

But here's the catch on my end, I don't know if I'm actually tired of that. As for me, making the first move has always been an adventure to explore relationships and knowing whether it would last or not based on how it goes for the first couple of conversations. I know starting a conversation can be daunting and awkward but I wouldn't know if I don't try.

For some good-but-unknown reason, I've always said to this friend of mine that I aspire to be friends with this group of people, with that group of boys and these two lovely girls. I guess 'aspire' is such a big word just to describe my-want-to-be-friends with other people. I just want to be friends. And I guess I don't see that happening if I don't make the first move.

I wouldn't say socialising is a problem for me, because Alhamdulillah so far, i'm doing good at that. There are days that I would just smile at someone from afar and just ask questions that are work-related so that perhaps we could just build it from there. But this is on campus perspective, not like outside of uni thing. I can't actually tell how I am outside uni, I guess I'm alright. That's probably based on the situation as well.

Not saying I'm like a total go-er but more to like.... I can socialise when I want to and it wouldn't be a problem. But there are also HAUNTING times where all I want to do is just run and leave a particular event/party/gathering. I've had several occasions where all I did was being on the phone, trying to think of the smartest way to excuse myself from the crowd and just hide.




Once, I had like a gathering at my neighbour's house and ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS TO GO. But I couldn't cause my parents were at the peak of the mountain chatting with my other neighbours and oh Lord, I was on the phone for almost an hour or so, with no one texting me, no notifications on Twitter/Facebook/Instagram/Snapchat, reading emails that I have already read (and I even had to text my friends for fun just saying that I'm in a sandwich situation so save my soul guys!) but I guess it was just an escape device that "helped" me in someway. I kept on adding more juice and then tea and getting more desert so I can sit sadly on the single sofa and just go on my phone while I eat, pretending I'm too busy to socialise when socialising with someone at that particular time is all I ever want to do!

(Oh God i sound like I'm such a loner, but honestly, it's just most of my friends are in Malaysia hence the notifications only kick in when it's 7am Malaysian time and 11pm local time.)

Nah, that's not the whole point. I tend to get drifted away from the actual topic that I'm supposed to be writing about, hence why I never really blog that much anymore. Feels like I've lost that momentum of being a writer, which was my first ambition when I was about 10. I remember going on mom's laptop, opening up Word and typing away like I was already a best-selling author. Ahh.. good times.

Oops, there it is again. Drifting from the topic as usual.

Anyway. Regardless of how much I said making the first move is my kind of jazz, I learnt a lot too from making the first move. I have this stubbornness inside of me that I sometimes confuse it with curiosity. I start because I want to know. Just, know. That was egoistic and very unfair of me to myself for not even thinking of the consequences of making the first move. 

4 years ago...

Gosh, why am I even trying to go back in time and reminisce the pain I went through? 

The point is... making the first move is also taking that risk. Facing that challenge. Knowing that you are swimming against the ocean's waves, realising that you will be hit and that wave is gonna hit you hard but you want to feel that pain either way. You asked for it. So you gotta bear it, innit?

Oh God, what in the world is my point?

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've had many experiences with being the one to make the first move. With that in mind, I am more careful of the moves that I make and that sucks because that isn't the real me. I've lost that freedom of making the first move and that's probably because of my paranoia over strangers' judgements. Oh how I suck, or rather, growing up sucks. 

Nevertheless, I ain't letting anything be an obstacle for me to make my first move. I just need to be cautious, careful and pick the right time for the right person to do it. 

xx