A Mistake and A Sin

A post based on my experience.

" A sin is something that you know is wrong, but you did it anyway. While a mistake is something that you do and you didn`t know it was wrong"

This became an afterthought to me. If you constantly read all my posts, practically almost everything is.

Recently life didn`t turn out to be good (but oh well, problems are way smaller than Allah) but at the same time I`ve learned things I never thought I would, Alhamdulillah. That quote up there, was one of them. 

I asked myself if what I did was a mistake or was a sin. Then I asked myself again did I feel that it was wrong to do it when I did it? And I certainly did not feel wrong at all. Not even a guilt. Because the last time I checked, I only did it "to let it get off of my shoulders". Alhamdulillah, I have friends who came up to me on whatsapp, sharing information that answers my wonders all this while. For a moment I thought Allah has finally responded. All Praises goes to Him.

There held an international book fair  back in Kuala Lumpur. My friends and I (or shall I say almost everyone on my timeline) was hunting for Ustaz Adnin Roslan`s Tarbiyah Sentap. I followed the twitter since before he published the book and from his tweets they were full of sentapness. Well of course I was waiting for a friend to actually buy it. Not only buy it for their personal use but to also share with me what are the contents of the book that actually makes us to feel sentap. I wanted/needed to feel more sentap.

Alhamdulillah, a childhood friend of mine was willing to actually snap every page she reads so that I can read too. SubhanAllah, the effort ! She even wanted to help me get the book by posting it via PosLaju, and I had to tell her how much money it would cost and the trouble I would get her into. Thank Allah she agreed with me not to send it via mail. 

So yea, she sent me about 17 pictures of the first few pages of the book and masyaAllah. It was never a mistake to actually own the book. One by one. It reveals the cause of the vices that has been happening in Malaysia as well as anywhere else in the world and Astaghfirullahalazim, it was devastating to realize everything starts from ourselves. Na`uzubillahiminzaalik. I was so sad and I couldn`t stop blaming myself. There were so many points in the book where it covers all the "little things" that I thought wasn`t a sin. Alhamdulillah that now I`ve discovered them, I realized how my unseen behavior was dangerous to me.

Put it there on Tarbiyah Sentap, okay. Next, a message I got from a tarbiyyah group which was about the canon law of having feelings for someone. I swear my heart was as if ripped and hammered and shot and dear, words are not enough to describe them. It was a good old long message with full of whys, hows, whose, whats and everything that is wrong with the idea of having-feelings-for-an-ajnabi. The more I read, the more I died inside. I realized I was so sinful for the things I did and felt that I thought wasn`t wrong. The words just didnt stop shooting me right on my forehead and right through my heart. 

And so it is true how words are much mightier than the swords. 

I kept my eyes on the text and the author somehow amazingly compared the youngsters now and then. The examples of great legendaries back in the days such as :

1. Sultan Muhammad Al Fateh - has freed Constantinople at the age of 21
2. Usamah Zaid - led an army to go against the Romanians at the age of 18
3. Hasan Al Banna - Established Ikhwanul Muslimin at the age of 22

Come let us compare ourselves to them. Pathetic, kan? Stop saying 

"Itu dulu. Sekarang dah lain. Zaman sekarang mana nak perang-perang".

We have got to stop being Overly open minded. Honestly. Is that the best excuse you can give to someone telling you about abiding goodness and distancing badness? Be open minded? Ekeleh. 

Shouldn`t we be grateful to Him how we aren`t the chosen ones to actually be in a battlefield? Yes, I understand how that is one of the routes to Jihad, but even in the modernized world we are living now has its own matter that brings us to the same road! Takkan nak tunggu ada perang baru nak jihad kot? Macam-macam benda yang kita buat setiap hari, merupakan jihad secara tidak langsung. Antaranya, menahan nafsu. 

I was so busy chasing the love that wouldn`t last when the love that would last was always there with me all the way. I looked back at myself and I was literally, disgusted. I`ve realized a lot of things are meant to be left behind and there`s just no excuse. I see the light now. I`ve also actuated myself to leave a list of things gazillion and gazillion kilometers behind me. I now know they are sins and what I did were mistakes. 

Mistakes that I hope I would never repeat. 

I blame myself at the same time for letting my 'enemy' win over me. I`m in need to recite a lot of A`uzubillahiminassyaitaanirrajiim. 

hmmmm.

Hidup aku sekarang bagaikan ada cahaya menyinari apa yang aku sedang dan asyik mencari, namun aku masih memilih kegelapan dan ketidaktahuan.

Astaghfirullahalazim. Help me, dear sisters. Or at least, lets help each other.

I hope He will help me to rise and renew again. Allahumma Amin.