Blessed

"Wanna be there at 12?"

"Ain't that too late? Come with me around 10-ish cause curiosity will only kill me the longer I wait."

"I'm not excited for it tbh, wanna go to BC for a bit after? Grab ice cream and then go home?"

"I'm not excited myself but i told you, curiosity will kill me. Ice cream sounds great tho"

"Okie dokie, see you tomorrow xx".

The day has finally come. The day we have all been waiting for. We, as in my friends and I. 

And our parents. 

And our teachers. 

Oh well. It will come anyway no matter how much we don't want it to. 

To be honest, we were all so nervous but at the same time, I loved how we had so much faith in each other. We were so strong as a large Maths group, we worked so well throughout the whole year. Everyone helped everyone. Everyone was rooting for everyone...

To get As together. 

Because that's what we have been aiming for. That similar ambition we had was what brought us together. Our favorite Maths teacher, Mr Beckles, said that he could see how this year group has improved and worked very well although there were so many of us.

Wallahi, we did so well throughout the year. I loved how Mr Beckles had so much faith in us all which has driven my friends and I to be beyond motivated to do our best for him and for ourselves. Because just by the fact that he believed we could do it, we, who used to be so slow in Maths, we, who used to fail so many times in this hardcore subject and we, who grew and bloomed together as a group... Just makes us even stronger. 

Mr. Beckles' faith in us was outstanding.

We were blessed.

***

"WHAT?? Wait, what's going on? I don't understand?? What is this? Angy, tell me what's this alphabet doing here?"

"I don't even understand myself! We did so much. So, soooo much. The time we spent for Maths was.. unbelievably a lot."

"I doubt my own result. It's not that I am that confident, but we did so much, we shed tears of blood for this subject! And this is what I got?"

"I'm speechless myself."

"My knees are so weak..."

"Let's go outside and sit down for awhile."

Ya Allah. 

Hampa. Aku sangat hampa dengan diri aku sendiri. Aku seolah-olah lupa yang memberi rezeki itu Dia. Yang mengizinkan itu, Dia. 

Aku seperti lupa daratan. Lupa yang kejayaan tak datang dengan usaha semata-mata. Lupa yang kejayaan sebenarnya datang dari usaha yang disusuli dengan berkat Ilahi. 

"Constantly remind yourself that success is a combination of two things:

• Your effort
• Allah's Help

Every single success you had or will have, is not because of your own effort, but it is also because Allah Gives His Blessings at the same time."

Sebut usrah minggu lepas. Manusia memang mudah lupa. Bukan Melayu mudah lupa, tapi manusia secara umumnya. 

I began thinking what went wrong. Did I not put enough effort? Did I do anything wrong with anyone? Did I miss a prayer or two? Was I not sincere enough while I was learning?

All of the questions that felt like they flew in every corner of my brain.

And again,

I have forgotten the second combination of success. Allah's help. 

"Maybe this time, you don't get it. And it's not because you didn't do enough, it can simply mean that Allah doesn't will it to happen.

But why is it that Allah would not Will something good to happen? 

Verily my dear sisters, Allah Knows what's Best while we know not."

I was completely shattered, devastated. Don't know what's going to happen and it seems very, very dark. As if hope is not there. 

But as a believer, I have Allah, my only hope. 

That, I didn't forget. 

I am blessed.

***

"Feriyal, can you get us one more large fries? Please and thank you"

"What??! You already had 1 large fries and a McFlurry. Aireen, take care of your tummy please."

"She's definitely stress-eating. Aireen, do you still want the fries?"

"Please Feriyal, plus you just got here. It's okay, I'll share it with Angy. She'll eat them with me, you'll see hahaha"

From 11.30am to 2.30pm with the girls, just sitting at the corner of the restaurant. Thinking about the consequences. Thinking what are we gonna do next. 

But still, trying to laugh a little bit here and there. To avoid stressing too much over a spilled milk. Spilled milk that we didn't see it coming. It was just meant to spill, I guess?

*After an hour*

"I might get myself another cone of ice cream girls."

"Aireen, I swear you have to stop Aireen you're stress eating don't feed your lust,"

"I change my mind, the queue is long. If there ain't nobody in the queue, I would've gotten another ice cream, just so you know hehehehe".

We only stayed so long because I didn't want to go home. Well, I needed company. I know if I were to stay at home with no one in, I'd probably get into thinking deep all by myself. But Alhamdulillah, I have such good friends that would stay as long as I need them to. 

I am blessed. 

***

A friend in need's a friend indeed.  

I got a super mega extensive double triple long reply from my sister from another mother. She knows what to say every time I turn to her and she miraculously always have time for me (like i don't know how she does it as a busy woman herself but she always have time for me, I'm so blessed) but I have shorten her text in this post because ehemmm excuse me, certain things are meant to be kept simply because they are special. 

"Aireen.

Allah plans better.

Allah ada jawapan terbaik untuk kegagalan Aireen. But Aireen perlu tahu setiap kegagalan datangnya sesuatu kejayaan. Don't look down on yourself too much, kakak tak benarkan. Ujian yang mendatang ni, untuk jadikan Aireen lebih kuat. Allah takkan bebankan Aireen lebih daripada kemampuan Aireen.

"Don't let your definition of success, failure or self-worth be anything other than your position with Him (Allah)." - Al-Hujarat (49:13)

"What is with you must vanish, what is with Allah will endure. And We will certainly bestow, on those who patiently perserve, their rewards according to the best of their actions." - Al-Nahl (16:96)

Hope you are feeling much better after this. Kuatkan diri dear 💞."

- Kak Rynn. 

*Puts on a super long sigh relief*

I am truly blessed with amazing people in my life as my family, as my friends. Whenever I need them, they are there. 

At our lowest points in life, we do tend to forget the crucial things that by right would push us up again. But then true friends are meant to remind us of these things that we forget about. They play such important roles and lending us their hands to pull us back up. 

Throughout my many experiences of failing, I've learnt that I'm not born perfect, but I'm a perfectionist. Being a perfectionist is very hard when things don't turn out perfect. 

And because I ain't born perfect, I finally learnt that progress is what I have to live with. It is what I live with. 

Yes, we can plan. And hey, it shouldn't even be a wake up call for us to know that Allah Azza Wa Jal is The Best Planner.

I am still grateful for all the people I have supporting my life physically, spiritually and emotionally. People who I can't afford to repay all their good deeds and contribution to my life. People whom I can only pray for, as only Allah's rewards are the best form of repayment that they deserve the most. 

I am blessed, MashaAllah. 

I am blessed, Alhamdulillah.