Super Far

So 4.16am it is. Dark, night lights, Lany's BRB/Kiss and an overwhelmingly disgusting feel of jealousy takes over me. I don't even have the right to feel jealous, he's not even mine.

Truthfully, I'm so scared of this feeling because it's only getting stronger. The more I try to ignore it, the more powerful it gets. It's starting to annoy me. And all i want to do is to detach, disconnect, disappear, go silent for 3 months utmost, disappear, disappear, disappear.

LA, New York.

Coffee, anxiety and the tree.

Who cares, who knows?

Sit dancing on the bed, full blast music, drown in the beat of the songs, i sank and i am gone.

"Waking up to nothing when you're super far from home

And I watch you fall asleep at night and lay there on my own
Got me begging for affection
All you do is roll your eyes
Broken down, I've had enough
If this is love I don't want it

All my friends keep saying that I'm way too good to you
But my heart is so invested, I don't wanna face the truth
I'm not happy and you know it and you still don't even try
Broken down, I've had enough
If this is love I don't want it"

I wanna be distracted, I want to be occupied, I want to be driven. I wanna run. 

I don't even know how it all started, I wish I don't feel anything at all for him in this particular scene of my episode of being a 22 year old. 

Goddammit, I am so in love yet in so much shit. In so much trouble. I just hope I'll be okay. I'm gonna be okay, right? 

"I need to fill my days with stupid shit to keep me busy." 

So I am distracted. Argh dammit here we go again oh ffs. 

It's that same damned cycle I wish I don't put myself in. Why the hell do I do this to myself? And what's worrying about this whole thing is that I've firmly decided that he shall know after one entire year. One year? If a lot can happen in one month, let alone one year. I'm letting go of him is what I'm doing. Him knowing one year later, is like... he might as well not know. 

The goddamn risks I'm taking for myself is insane for the amount of pain I have to take in. It's killing me slowly, but sure I'll sacrifice just so I can keep him still. I'm stuck in between "What's meant to be, will be" and actually working for what I want. 

Tbrh, I'd like to put the blame on him. It's not my fault I fell for him. Siapa suruh dia jadi someone so attractive in so many ways? Siapa suruh dia tick all my boxes? 

Nope, not my fault lah for sure!

Also, I've always been so worried about being boring. About not living life to the fullest, about not doing the craziest things while I can so I can remember these things when I'm older. But hey look what Lana Del Rey tweeted:

So I'm less worried now. I mean, I will always know what comes next, kan?

And I end this post at 5.10am. 

And I oop -!

First Move

I recently had a long chat with my friend who similarly, thinks that we are the ones who have been starting conversations with other people rather than the other way around. It makes me think, what's wrong with that? I think we've reached that point of where we feel like we are the only ones who are making the effort, and not everyone else.

But here's the catch on my end, I don't know if I'm actually tired of that. As for me, making the first move has always been an adventure to explore relationships and knowing whether it would last or not based on how it goes for the first couple of conversations. I know starting a conversation can be daunting and awkward but I wouldn't know if I don't try.

For some good-but-unknown reason, I've always said to this friend of mine that I aspire to be friends with this group of people, with that group of boys and these two lovely girls. I guess 'aspire' is such a big word just to describe my-want-to-be-friends with other people. I just want to be friends. And I guess I don't see that happening if I don't make the first move.

I wouldn't say socialising is a problem for me, because Alhamdulillah so far, i'm doing good at that. There are days that I would just smile at someone from afar and just ask questions that are work-related so that perhaps we could just build it from there. But this is on campus perspective, not like outside of uni thing. I can't actually tell how I am outside uni, I guess I'm alright. That's probably based on the situation as well.

Not saying I'm like a total go-er but more to like.... I can socialise when I want to and it wouldn't be a problem. But there are also HAUNTING times where all I want to do is just run and leave a particular event/party/gathering. I've had several occasions where all I did was being on the phone, trying to think of the smartest way to excuse myself from the crowd and just hide.

3 AM

17th August 2017.

What a beautiful date. Can't believe my post titled Blessed was written a year ago. Same old, same old, this is regarding my results. As shocked as I was with my AS results last year, I wasn't as surprised with my A2.

Not that I got an excellent grade, but I sure did got a better grade. I'll tell you the difference.

Getting an excellent grade means getting an A* or B at least because we're talking about A-Level Maths here. The fact that I got an E last time and managed to get it up to a D, is such an achievement for me. In fact, at this point, I'm just glad I got a D instead of another E. 

I don't really want to talk about how much I've worked this year because in the end, I really don't think that is the whole point. I mean yea, you work better, you deserve better. But it's not always as easy as a pea with me. It doesn't always work like that for me and I've accepted that a long time ago. I remember working "harder and smarter", got myself into thinking I'd deserve better for the amount of work I've put in and later find out that I failed, miserably. 

But I'm not gonna lie, I sort of expected to get what I got. Not because I didn't work as hard as the previous year, but I really did remember how well or unwell was each and every single paper I did for Maths. Alhamdulillah, honestly, I'm eternally grateful for getting Bs on my Core 1 (C1) and Core 2 (C2) because that was my main support as I flopped A2. 

Talk about being eternally grateful... another thing that I'm eternally grateful for is the opportunity that was given to me by my Maths teacher, Ms Ng. Besides the fact that Allah has put me in this position, I think it's so important to give her the recognition that she deserves because it was also because of her that I managed to continue on with my Maths because if I didn't, I really had no other subject to turn to and no other time to spare for. So may Allah bless you Ms Ng. JazakAllahu kheiran.

I've learnt so much that I know even with the grade that I have achieved, I've grown wiser over choosing what's best for me and what I want. Spiritually I became more concerned for myself because I know faith is just something that I really hold on to and is definitely a rope that I don't want to be cut off from forever. InshaAllah. 

I've learnt that just because I'm not as good as everyone else in the classroom, I need to be aware that I am as good as them for the things that they are missing on. I salute those who not only has the brain, but also has the heart. Because it is actually so hard to find someone who has them both, because whenever I find someone that has either one of it... it's just.. never enough. 

But I have to stress the fact that people who has the heart instead of just the brain itself, always win. I've witnessed too many things to prove to you of that statement I emphasized on. I wouldn't say I have both or I have the heart nor do I have the brain as I am not that kind of a person nor am I that smart of a student. But effort, ethics and bloody consistency will always top on. I just don't see the point of being smart but rude. 

Excellent but selfish. 

Genius but inhumane. 

Independent but arrogant.

Because in the end, having just the brain will never suffice someone. It will only continue to kill them bit by bit if they are too obsessed with being the only Mr/Mrs Know It All. 

Damn, I really don't know what my point is here. This post really is my 3 am thoughts before flying off to Italy in approximately 17 hours. 

Anyway... regardless of what I got for my Maths, I really am just proud of myself that I actually, freaking, did and made it to finish A-Level Maths. I did A-Level Maths. The hardest thing I could ever do to myself and the only subject that when I tell strangers of how I feel about doing it, they would ask,

"Why the in the world, would you do that to yourself?"

I'm glad it's over and it's undeniable of how heck of a ride it was to me.

I need to note that this means nothing, but a whole new beginning. 😟

Demi Abi

"Wei Syai, kau dah siap ke homework yang Cikgu Azlina bagi semalam?"

"Cikgu Azlina yang ajar BM kan?"

"Haaa la, sains takda homework kan"

"Oh sorry, sorry, aku selalu confuse. Kita kan ada dua cikgu nama Azlina"

"Yeyeye, dah siap belum?"

"Japgi aku check dalam beg aku, lupa lah Rin aku siap ke tak? hehehe"

"cam nenek ah kau ni"